


Stuck in reverse

by ardat_yakshi_stole_my_cookie



Category: Tenet (2020)
Genre: Angst, Camping, Ch6 is pure fluff or at least I tried okay, Childhood Friends, Dabbling with canon events, Explicit Language, F/M, Flirting, Fluff and Humor, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Neil plays a guitar because of reasons, Nightmares, Reunited and It Feels So Good, Sparring, Undercover Missions, blood mention, combat practice, ordering beverages, playful banter, traces of alcohol, watching sunsets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:28:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26465683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ardat_yakshi_stole_my_cookie/pseuds/ardat_yakshi_stole_my_cookie
Summary: That unexpected reunion made you way too emotional - and you couldn't hide behind your mask forever.
Relationships: Neil/Original Female Character(s) (Tenet), Neil/Reader
Comments: 28
Kudos: 65





	1. Ease my mind

_Bollocks._

You were late.

And you hated being late.

You jumped out of the bed, grabbed some clothes from the floor and sprinted to the bathroom.

 _It must be that new smartwatch_ , you started checking the settings, multitasking between brushing your teeth and trying to make your hair look decent. _Huh._ Seemed like you’d disabled it through your sleep then.

You checked your training schedule displayed on the mirror. _Blue, full armor, hand-to-hand combat._ You let out a deep sigh. You just ended a series of long inverted missions and the thought of having to fight against your own brain again made you feel a little nauseous. _Fucking ha-...no,_ s _crew that, I’m gonna be in a full helmet anyway. No time to feel sorry for yourself now, go, go, go, go!_

Everyone from the blue squad was already there, training in pairs. You checked for yourself leaving the machine on the other side. _Yep._ That black full body armor wasn’t a joke. Even though it was made with some cutting-edge tech, it was still quite heavy. Usually you were training in a lighter equipment, but from time to time they made you all wear the heavy sets. You were sleep deprived, but that wouldn’t stop you from doing your best during the training. _Mask on, check the oxygen pipe, let’s ride_.

When you ran to your designated place on the square, one of the agents was standing there practicing the moves alone. Trying to catch your breath, you let your intuition take the wheel and you threw the first inverted punch. They were ready. They blocked your every move, every kick, every hook. _Am I really this tired?_ All of those people around you were elite soldiers, but even on your worst days you weren’t _that_ bad. You couldn’t see the agent’s face because of the black mask, but there was something familiar in those moves. _Your mind is playing with you, it’s just that bloody inversion, focus!_ You missed a step on purpose, and when your sparring partner attacked, you used their own weight and threw them on the ground.

The agent let out a muffled chuckle and spread their arms wide on their sides, panting. “Well, that was something new.”

Your heart skipped a bit. You hadn’t heard that voice in 10 years, or maybe longer, couldn’t say for sure with all that time spent being inverted. _Maybe it’s a coincidence._ You crossed your arms. “What did you say? Can’t hear you from all the way down there.”

“Oh sorry, my bad.”

_Oh._

They caught you off guard and with one swift move made you join them on the ground.

“Better now?”

_That smug bastard._

You wanted to retort with some witty comment, but all you could do right then was cough and readjust your oxygen mask. Your hands were shaking _._ You could feel your heart sinking, that weird mixture of excitement and anxiety flooded your brain. On one hand, you desperately wanted to hug him and tell him how much you’d missed him, on the other – to run away again, ask for the longest mission possible on the other side of the globe and pretend that today never happened. _Chill, it’s been too much time, you can’t let him make you feel like you are a teenager again_.

You heard Ives’ slightly annoyed voice in the headphones. “Neil, Y/N, I see you are quite comfy out there, just FYI there’s still an hour of training left. Okay everyone, switch to knives!”

“Are you all right?” asked Neil, getting on his knees and offering you a hand to help you get up.

All the words were stuck in your throat, so you just nodded, focusing on your breath to calm yourself down as you let him pull you back up on your feet.

“You sure?”

_Those piercing blue eyes._

You pulled out your training knife. Hell, if you had to survive another hour, you could as well use the situation to your advantage. You nodded again.

“Don’t hold back.” you said, watching him get ready to fight.

You could almost see the smirk and playful sparkles in his eyes behind the mask.

“Blimey.”

_Oh God._

So you danced. Or at least it felt like it. You were perfectly synchronized, reading each other easily and predicting next steps. You let yourself go, and put all your heartache into your moves, trying to get it out of your system that way instead of letting it eat you alive. You didn’t notice the moment when your cheeks got wet from your tears, but you thanked the Universe for granting you a full armor day today. By the end of the training, the lump from your throat was gone and you could take a deep breath without getting nauseous.

After Ives called it a day, you thanked your sparring partner and rushed to get yourself reverted before Neil could say anything else.

You stored the armor and hit the showers, the feeling of hot water on your sore body allowed you to relax and gather your thoughts. You definitely pulled a muscle or two, but you finally felt like you could form a coherent sentence. All dried up, you took your bag and headed to the elevator.

The sun was shining bright, although you could feel the incoming autumn in the air. You stepped outside the building and stopped for a second, closing your eyes and enjoying the warmth on your face. He just caught you off guard, that’s all, it wouldn’t happen again.

“Hey you.”

_Shit. Thanks Murphy._

You opened your eyes and saw Neil standing right in front of you, a wide smile brightening his face. “You need to teach me that little trick of yours one day” he said, tilting his head.

He’d changed since you last saw him all those years ago. _What a glow up._ Your mouth got dry, but your heart was about to burst.

Before you could say anything, the look in his eyes got more serious and he opened his arms. “Come here.”

You weren't sure what was _the proper hug protocol_ for a pair of friends. _Best friends?_ When one of those friends disappeared from the life of the other one without any explanation. _You were just giving him space,_ you reminded yourself. To be fair, he hadn’t reached out to you for all those years either. That bitter thought made you a bit tense, but Neil didn’t seem to notice your hesitation.

Two steps and you found yourself in his embrace. One of his classic bear-hugs. You hid your face in his scarf, the familiar scent of citrus fruits with woody undertones made you melt into his arms. Instead of letting you go, he tightened his hug and sighed.

“I’ve missed you too,” said Neil and chuckled.

_He had no idea._

You started laughing and pulled back to look at his face. He was looking at you with that half-smile and a raised eyebrow that used to drive you crazy. He seemed genuinely happy to see you again.

The level of guilt you felt was unbearable. You cleared your throat. “Neil, I’m so-”

“Are you hungry? There’s this new place around the corner and I heard they serve mean brunch-” he said _a bit_ too fast, and you knew that tone and then it hit you – _was he nervous too?_

“I’m starving,” you smiled and patted him on the shoulder. “Lead the way!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Protagoneil is valid, but do you know what else is? Shameless self-indulgence.
> 
> Let's see where it takes us, shall we?
> 
> It's gonna get a bit lighter later, I promise! ^^'


	2. I can't go on without you

“...one black coffee”- Neil pointed at himself and then pointed at you -”and one almond milk latte with double espresso, thank you.”

You groaned and rolled your eyes. “You are unbelievable,” you said, trying to decide if you were more amused or offended.

“What?” he scoffed, his brows furrowed.

“You just assumed that nothing’s changed over the years.”

He placed a hand on his chest. “I’m sorry, did you want to order something different?”

Then the corner of his lips twitched.

 _Of course_ he was messing with you. You suddenly felt the urge to punch him.

You shook your head and laughed. “No, that’s _exactly_ what I wanted, but you knowing that is creeping me out a bit.”

“I still remember what you like, what’s so weird about that?” he asked with an amused smirk.

You didn’t have an answer. The fact that he knew how you liked your coffee warmed your heart. You forgot that he always tried to remember little details about the people he cared about, or maybe you convinced yourself that he never cared that much about you in the first place. It _probably_ wasn’t fair, but it made your decision to disappear easier back then. You cleared your throat.

“So how you’ve been?”

As Neil was filling you in on the main events of the last years, you realized that it felt like you just missed a week of each other’s lives, not _a decade._ Not because the last 10 years were uneventful, _far from it, actually,_ but that old connection between you seemed to be intact. You used to be _joined at the hip_ , as your mother used to say, at least until you introduced him to-

“And how’s Nikki?” the question just spurted out of your mouth and suddenly you felt like you were drowning.

_The way they looked at each other at that party._

“ _Y/N, why didn’t you tell me he is such a cutie?”_

“ _Tell me more about her.”_

“ _Do you think he likes me?”_

“ _Should I buy her flowers?”_

“ _It’s our three month anniversary!”_

“ _She asked me to move in with her.”_

“ _Hey, we’re going out tonight, wanna join us?”_

“ _She really makes me happy, you know.”_

… “ _No new messages.”_

Enough. What's happened, happened. _Breathe_.

_Maybe he didn’t notice._

Neil frowned, suddenly finding his cup of coffee very interesting. His posture tensed for a few seconds, but then he shrugged and looked back at you. “She’s fine, I think? I haven’t seen her in years, to be honest.”

“Neil, I’m so sorry...wanna talk about it?” you said quietly, cursing internally at yourself for upsetting him. _Why did you have to bring her up, damn it._

“There’s not too much to talk about,” he sighed and gave you a weak smile. “Turned out we weren’t that compatible after all, so we kinda drifted apart.”

“Oh, I see.”

 _So did_ _you_ _._ Your vision got blurry. You bit your lower lip to stop it from trembling. _Was trying to_ _mend_ _your broken heart worth not being there for him?_ Your chest clenched painfully.

_You’ve never told him how you really felt, after all._

His gentle touch on you hand made you hold your breath for a second.

“Everything all right?”

_Classic Neil, always ready to forget about his own problems the second he spots someone in trouble._

“No, yeah, sorry,” you tried to laugh it off, shaking your head. You turned your palm over so you could squeeze his fingers reassuringly. “The caffeine is taking its sweet time to kick in and I just didn’t get much sleep last night.”

The blue eyes were scanning you, it was pretty clear he wasn’t going to drop it that easily.

“Does it happen often?...The sleepless nights, I mean.”

 _Lying is standard operating procedure,_ the familiar voice echoed in your head.

“Nah, those last few months have been hectic,” you mumbled. “I just need a couple of days off to get them out of my head, that’s all.” You hated lying to him, but you simply didn’t want him to worry.

Neil’s thumb lightly stroked your fingers. “I’m here if you need anything,” he said softly.

The warm sensation near your heart told you more than you were ready to acknowledge at that moment.

You looked into his eyes and smiled. “Thank you, I appreciate that.”

The waitress came back to clear your table so you let go of his hand, cringing at yourself. _Get yourself together._ Meanwhile Neil glanced at his phone and his expression changed, any leftover seriousness being replaced by excitement.

“You know what? Wheeler is gathering a group for some sort of camping retreat this weekend. What do you think?”- his eyes lit up -“That crispy air in the morning, long hikes, bathing in the river, dramatic sunsets over the mountains-”

You couldn’t help but laugh at how animated that idea made him. “-a guitar playing near the campfire in the evenings-” you chimed in, giggling. _Oh, why the hell not._

The loud noise from his phone made you both jump at your seats.

“Perfect,” Neil sighed and picked up. “What’s up? Yeah, how do you-” - he shot you a quick look -”... _no_ , Jesus! Sure, I know which one. Okay, send me the details, we’re gonna be there.” He hung up and gazed at you, puzzled. “That was Ives, he needs us tonight.”

Then your phone buzzed. New email notification flashed on the screen: _“_ _Re:_ _A little party never killed nobody”._

You raised your eyebrow as your read through the mission brief.

“Just like old times, huh?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The second chapters are the most difficult ones to write, I swear.
> 
> Now, let's have some fun.


	3. Bad guy

It was a chilly evening, but it wasn’t bothering you. You inhaled a cold air deep into your lungs.

_That’s more like it._

You really enjoyed the thrill of being on a mission, when you could lock all the bullshit deep inside and just focus on a task ahead: quick undercover scout of the location, then stopping a local kingpin from acquiring some inverted materials. You could already feel all your senses sharpening, you were ready for the hunt.

You heard Neil’s footsteps behind you. You glanced over your shoulder and smirked.

“Aww, no tie?” you teased, trying not to laugh as you watched the hint of confusion on his face.

“What?”

“Nothing, you not wearing one on a..." _–_ you cleared your throat _\- "..._ night out used to be a rare sight, that’s all.”

_You didn’t mind though._

Neil blinked twice and crossed his arms. “Oh I’m _sorry_ , should I go and change now?” He looked you up and down, a shade of smile tinted his lips. “I wouldn’t want to be under-dressed.”

“What, you don’t like my converse?” you huffed and mirrored his pose. “Hey, I enjoy a good pair of heels, just can’t save the day wearing them.”

“Fair enough,” he said and smiled, tilting his head and looking at you with those playful sparks in his eyes. “You look amazing.”

You raised one eyebrow and chuckled. “So do you. Now... shall we?”

The loud music hit you as soon as you entered the club, the bass blasting in your eardrums. While you were trying to mentally match the club’s layout from the brief to the actual location, Neil reached to his pocket for the phone. After few seconds he tapped you on a shoulder and showed you the screen with a message from Ives: _“Uncle Bob is running late – looks like an hour,_ _so have fun.”_

You nodded and pointed at the bar. “Drinks?” you mouthed. No point in yelling, he couldn’t hear you anyway.

By the time you reached the counter, you already spotted eight security guards in various locations inside the hall, two of them trying to remain undercover in their civilian clothes.

Neil leaned against the bar.

“Nine,” he said, looking at you for confirmation.

You positioned yourself close to him so nobody could eavesdrop. The music was still annoyingly loud. You knew everyone entering the club was carefully examined at the entrance and that the club’s security was paying close attention to anyone behaving suspiciously, they weren’t willing to take any chances, especially that night. You were more than happy that Neil was your partner for that mission – you trusted him enough to just roll with anything the situation might require to remain unnoticed.

“Huh, I have eight, who did I miss?”

Neil gave you a half-smile.“The redhead at the end of the counter,” he said.

You didn’t even have to look at that direction, you knew exactly which one he meant. You smacked your lips, annoyed at your poor judgement.

“Damn, she’s hot,” - you nudged him lightly - “you sure she wasn’t just checking you out because of how incredibly handsome you are?”

“One hundred percent,” Neil laughed dryly.

“Nine then. Excuse me,” - you waved at the bartender to get their attention- “one gin&tonic and one vodka tonic.” You could hear Neil’s chuckle, so you shot a quick look at your partner. “Two can play that game, my dear.”

“Blimey.”

The smug expression on his face definitely made your heartbeat increase its pace. You shook your head and tried to stifle a giggle.

When your drinks arrived, you switched to a meaningless small talk, so no one would bother you while you were focused on locating things that might give you any advantage later on. There was still over half an hour of time left and you felt that you need to move to cover more ground, but you couldn’t just get up and walk around without drawing too much attention to yourself. Then you heard a familiar melody and gasped at that perfect excuse.

“Hey, wanna dance?” you grinned at Neil, your hips already swaying to the rhythm.

He pointed at his half-full drink. “Go ahead, I’ll join you in a bit.”

The dance floor was an excellent vantage point, you spotted two more guards hanging out at the back near the entrance to the VIP lounge. You let the music run through you, it almost felt like every part of your body was vibrating with that insane bass. You noticed Neil staring at you from across the room, but that only boosted your self-confidence. You knew you were _good_ at this and it surely felt nice.

The song switched to something new, so you went back to the bar. You wanted to tease Neil about just sitting there instead of joining you but someone tapped your shoulder.

“Eyyy sexy, can I buy ya a drink?”

You turned your head and saw a guy smiling slyly from his seat. A quick look told you enough: a random stranger, pretty drunk, one of those business douches who considered themselves gods.

“No, thanks,” you replied, turning your back to him to strengthen the message.

“Come on, one drink!” he insisted. And then he grabbed your arm.

You could hear Neil’s glass clanking against a counter a bit too hard, but you were quicker. With one swift move you grabbed a toothpick from an abandoned drink next to you and pressed it against man’s thigh, hard enough for him to feel pain, but not hard enough to break the skin. He yelped and his eyes widened.

“Touch me one more time, I dare you,” your voice was dripping with sugar, but your eyes were deadly serious. “No means no, you twat, now piss off!”

The man squirmed and raised his hands in a defensive way. “Okay, okay,” he hissed and stood up. “Fucking bitch.”

You realized you were holding your breath the entire time, so you forced yourself to inhale and turned back to Neil. Your partner’s expression was a mixture of concern and amusement, so you let out a nervous laugh and ran the fingers though your hair.

“What’s wrong with those guys, I swear,” you shook your head, disgusted. You checked the time, 20 minutes.

Neil finished his drink and leaned your way. “Redhead and baldie over there have been watching the whole thing, come on,” - he said and reached out his hand - “I owe you a dance.”

You took Neil’s hand and followed him to the dance floor. You both knew you had to put on a bit of a show to keep the suspicion off your backs.

The rhythm of the song playing was a bit slower than before, the mood was heavier, made you think about a hot summer night. You could feel the bass pulsing in your veins, your heartbeat slowly getting in sync with it. Neil’s eyes found yours, you felt his gentle touch on your hand. You remembered he was a good dancer. He wasn’t a party beast, far from it, actually, but damn, seeing him move always made you swoon. _That night was no different._ Your bodies tuned to each other instantly, on one hand that was a familiar feeling, on the other- ...something changed, but you couldn’t put your finger on it yet, and to be honest, you didn’t really care in that moment. For the next few minutes nothing else mattered anymore, there was no mission, no past, no guilt. Only Neil and you, lost in the music, in each other’s closeness, in the rising warmth between the two of you.

Someone bumped into your back, making you lose your balance and fall into Neil’s arms.

“I've got you,” he said softly right into your ear.

His warm breath on your neck sent shivers down your spine and made you forget how to speak for a second. You pulled back to look at him and smiled, your heart singing in your chest.

With the corner of your eye you noticed a sudden change in the security’s behavior. _Go time._

Neil must have seen the same thing, because he nodded and guided you back to the bar. The next few moments were crucial, but you already had a plan. You winked at Neil, took his hand and began to lightly stroke his long fingers. Then you got the bartender’s attention.

“Hey, settle this for us, we were wondering if you have any...” - you intertwined your fingers with Neil’s - “...tenets about PDA here,” you said, biting your lip at the sudden touch of Neil’s hand on your waist.

The bartender rolled their eyes and slid a glass of water your way. You could see a shiny metal object under the glass.

“Not really, but I recommend avoiding the main lobby,” they laughed and turned to the next customer.

You exchanged a quick look with Neil. _So they are switching the swap location._ With his hand still on your waist, he pulled you a bit closer, raising the other hand and slowly tucking a part of your hair behind your ear. That gave you enough time to get the key and hide it in his pocket.

You made your way to the toilet area of the club, where the storage was supposed to be. You maneuvered around the guards playing a tipsy couple, giggling and leaning on each other, not so different from other party couples around you. There were less people next to the storage, thank the Universe, you couldn’t proceed with the mission without getting your stuff first. Neil took the key and opened the lock, he was about to press the handle when you spotted another guard coming your way. You grabbed Neil by the front of his shirt and pulled him your way, slamming your back against the wall painfully. Your eyes locked with his. You buried your face in the crook of his neck. Neil’s hand grazed your hip, the other one, holding the key, slid behind your back. You closed your eyes so you could focus on the sound of footsteps around you, trying to tune out the overwhelming scent of Neil’s cologne.

“I think we’re clear,” he said in a husky voice.

You decided not to comment on it, focusing on leveling your own breath.

Neil entered the storage and you followed him, quickly closing the door behind you. You found your gear hidden in one of the boxes at the back of the room: a lockbox with a laptop, a pair of pistols, silencers, ammo, walkies, a backpack and two bulletproof vests. You opened the computer and ran a program, connecting it to the club’s security system and allowing it to access all the cameras in the building. Meanwhile, Neil got final instructions from Ives and checked the guns. The meeting had already begun. You watched two men carefully examining the contents of a black suitcase. _There_. Some of the parts dropped back into their hands. _What the hell did they need it for?_

Neil tossed you your vest, already equipped with everything you needed. Then you had to trigger some silent alarms to smoke the bastards out of that place, but without scaring the civilians in the club. The less people outside, the better. You tapped few command lines into the software and watched the guards outside the transaction room jump at their places, one of them going inside to alert the bosses, the other one rushing to check for the intruders.

You packed all your things to the backpack and gave it to Neil. He pushed three boxes together so you could easily reach the small window near the ceiling, allowing you both to drop in the back alley.

 _Clear._ You jumped down quietly and ran towards the back entrance, where you expected some company. Neil was right behind you, taking cover at the other side of the door. 3...2...1.

The door opened with a loud thud and you grabbed the first man that went through them. He didn’t put up much of a fight, bless his soul.

The next one was quite a different story.

Same as all the others after him.

Next thing you knew, you were ducking into cover behind some dumpster, shots being fired in your direction.

“Just like old times, huh?” Neil laughed as he joined you a moment later, hitting his back against the dumpster. There was a moment of silence and he wanted to get up, but you grabbed his arm and shook your head.

“Wait.”

Two more shots.

_Why does nobody count?_

“Now!”

You focused your fire at two remaining guards while your partner ran after a guy trying to escape with the inverted materials. Poor bastard didn’t have a chance. Neil shot him in the leg long before he could reach a car parked at the end of the alley.

You made sure none of the guards remained a threat and you joined Neil near the knocked-out man.

“Took you long enough,” you said, looking around for any witnesses. Luckily, the street was empty, thanks to late hour and the work of Ives and the rest of the team, of course.

“You told me to wait!” Neil scoffed, checking out the suitcase. Everything seemed to be in place.

“And you’re welcome.”

You wiped the sweat from your forehead and hissed from the sudden pain. You looked at your fingers. Blood.

Neil jumped on his feet, clearly worried.

“Y/N, your brow...” he raised his hand as if he wanted to examine your wound, but he hesitated. He placed it on your shoulder instead and looked into your eyes. “You okay?”

You put your hand on his chest and smiled reassuringly. “I’m fine Neil, what about you?”

Neil nodded and wrapped his arms around you, pulling you into a hug.

_Oh._

You noticed your team’s car approaching from the distance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that was quite fun to write!
> 
> ...a penny for your thoughts?


	4. Bad habit

You couldn’t see the faces behind the masks.

_You never could._

You didn’t need to though. The five people left behind on your missions. Some of them were wide-eye rookies, some were hardened veterans. Most of them were your friends. Now they were just staring at you in silence.

_Judging you._

They had every right to, you should have tried harder. There was no such thing as bad luck, just you not being prepared enough. You desperately wanted to beg them for forgiveness, but the voice was stuck in your throat.

 _Like_ _always_.

They were abandoned. Alone in their last moments. And it was all your fault.

You suddenly realized there was another person joining them.

_Wait, six? Who-_

Your whole body was shaking. Your eyes welled up.

 _No. No, no, no, no, no_.

You couldn’t breathe.

_The blue eyes._

“Y/N?”

You gasped for breath, frantically. You chest was painfully clenched, and so was your throat. You were drenched in cold sweat. You looked around, trying to remember where you were.

The van. The trip. The middle of the night. Everyone beside a driver was asleep.

_Oh God._

You didn’t want to wake anyone up. You didn’t want to make a scene. You didn’t want to bother anyone. You didn’t want them to see you in that state.

But you couldn’t breathe.

Trying to be quiet was making everything worse.

Someone’s hand was on your arm. You looked to your right and met Neil’s worried eyes.

_Oh God._

Your pulse was pounding in your ears. You were getting nauseous.

“Y/N, come on, name five things you can see,” said Neil in a soft and quiet voice.

You shook your head. Your mind was blank. You couldn’t find a single word for any item around you.

“I c-can’t, I-” you sobbed sharply, still fighting for every shallow breath.

“Come on love, you can do it,” - Neil gently took your hands into his, placing your left palm on your heart and pulling your right one to his chest - “okay now, five things you can see.”

You blinked twice, trying to focus your vision. “...a w-window, a headrest,” you mumbled.

“Good job, three more,” he encouraged you, still holding your hands.

You coughed lightly to get rid of the lump in your throat. “...a watch, h-headphones, streetlights.”

“Awesome! Now four things you can feel.”

You closed your eyes.

“The cold air from the AC, your hands, my heartbeat...” you said under your breath and opened your eyes. “...your heartbeat.”

Neil chuckled softly. “Very good. You know the drill, three things you can hear.”

You closed your eyes again, shifting all your attention to the next sense. The loud pounding was no longer there. “The van’s engine, Wheeler’s snoring, the music... from Seb’s headphones, I think?”

“Right,” - he nodded - “two things you can smell, go.”

You forced a deep, shaky breath into your lungs and let it out in a long sigh.

“a...pine air freshener,” you said in a hushed voice, wrinkling your nose. “And coffee.”

“There you go. One thing you can taste.”

You ran the tip of your tongue through your lips. _Tears?_

“Salt.”

Your body was still trembling, but you could think clearly, at last.

It had been years since someone talked you through _that_ _state._ It usually worked quite well when you used that grounding technique on your own, there was only one condition though. You needed to recognize that anxiety spike and/or panic attack relatively early. There was only one person in your life that always managed to bring you back, no matter how far down the spiral you’d gotten yourself into.

The one who’d taught you that technique all those years ago.

Neil.

Who was now giving you as much time as you needed, waiting for you to be ready to move on.

You slowly pulled your hands back and rubbed your face with your palms.

You were so exhausted. And a little embarrassed.

_Dear Lord, say something._

You leaned back and turned your head to Neil, finally being able to look him in the face.

When your eyes met, he smiled, but even in that poor light you could see the concern in his eyes.

You sighed.

“Thank you,” you whispered and gave him a weak smile.

He scoffed and pressed his lips into a thin line. “Don’t mention it,” he said quietly and gently stroked your cheek with his knuckles.

You closed your eyes and melted into his touch.

“Try to get some sleep, we still have few hours before we get there.”

Neil was right. You were too tired to worry about anything at that point anyway. You leaned your head on his shoulder. Neil moved his arm so you could slid yours under it, making your position more comfortable. When your hands met, your fingers interlocked as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

And just before you mind drifted off, Neil rested his head on yours and chuckled lightly to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was wondering if I should post this one as part of the next chapter, but in the end it turned out better on its own.
> 
> This is the first fic I've ever written in this form and I want to make it as immersive and inclusive as possible, but I'm leaving it to your judgement.
> 
> I just want to say that I am so excited to share this little story with you all and you have no idea how happy seeing you enjoy it so far makes me.


	5. Someone like you

As you were adjusting the straps of your backpack, you heard your team hollering happily by the van’s trunk. You shot a glance at their direction. Neil was just taking out his own backpack and you noticed a familiar shape next to him.

_He brought the guitar._

You snickered at yourself, because that meant you were officially, royally screwed.

“Oi, mate, you plan on stealing some poor girl’s heart with this thing?” a young medic teased and nudged your friend’s shoulder.

Neil snorted and looked directly at you. “Maybe,” he said as an innocent smile appeared on his face. Then he winked.

_Son of a bitch._

You scoffed and rolled your eyes, but the corner of your lips twitched.

* * *

The trail went mostly through the forest. The fog in the air, leaves rustling under your feet, the smell of resin and mushrooms – every step made you more and more relaxed. You tuned out your teammates’ chatter and just focused on taking in the views. You were still a bit tired after the previous night, not really in the mood for talking. The sadness was gone though, replaced by peaceful contentment.

You reached your destination in the afternoon and spent some time setting up the camp on a small clearing in the woods. The team set up nine small tents in a circle, leaving some place for a campfire in the middle.

You were halfway through unpacking the cool box when your phone buzzed. You raised your eyebrows when you noticed it was a text from Neil. You looked around, but you couldn’t see him anywhere. You opened the message only to find a set of coordinates there.

* * *

“Well, that certainly is a dramatic sunset, all right.”

Neil was standing at the edge of the cliff overlooking the valley. He jumped at the sound of your voice, turned around and greeted you with a wide grin on his face.

“Oh just wait until you see the view from up here,” he laughed and waved his hand to make you join him there.

You crossed your arms. “Nope, thanks, I’m perfectly good here.”

“Fine, you chicken, you’re missing out though,” he teased and turned his back to you.

You shook your head, annoyed at his comment. “Damn, I hate you so much sometimes,” you said through the gritted teeth and made few steps in his direction, still keeping your distance from the rim.

Neil started laughing and looked at you over his shoulder. “No, you don’t.”

You didn’t know why that thought made you this agitated, but you could feel your whole body getting tense. “What, you wanna tell me you remember the ridiculous way I take my coffee but you don’t remember that I am terribly scared of heights?”

Neil’s shoulders dropped when he noticed the angry look in your eyes. “I’m sorry, I thought-… You seemed okay when we were parachuting in Canada.”

You sighed. _Yep, that was it._ He’d moved in with Nikki few weeks before that mission, so he wasn’t there when you were sitting on the bathroom’s floor, barfing your guts out because you were so terrified and anxious. Only switching into your mission mode allowed you to survive that day without breaking down in front of everyone.

“Fake it till you make it, huh?” you laughed bitterly. “Nah man, I can push through it in the field, but after hours?” - you shrugged - “I’m useless.”

Neil opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something, but then shook his head, reached out his hand and smiled lightly. “Do you trust me?”

_Of course you did._

You took his hand and let him guide you toward the edge of the cliff. You could feel your knees shaking and your breath became shallow.

Neil was closely watching your reaction, trying not to push you too far out of your comfort zone too soon.

“Few more steps and we’ll sit down, I promise,” he said softly.

You squeezed his hand and nodded.

Neil sat down and pulled you next to him before you had a chance to peek down the precipice. You looked around and gasped at the view. The river wound through the valley, reflecting the colours of the sun, which was slowly hiding its face behind the top of the mountains up ahead.

“I told you so.”

You chuckled, too mesmerized by the scene in front of you to say anything. You leaned back and sighed happily. With the corner of your eye, you could see Neil looking at you with a shade of a smile on his lips before he turned his head and focused on the sunset.

You both watched in silence the sky changing into more orange and purple tones.

Suddenly you felt a change in Neil’s mood. He was pinching his left hand’s little finger, lost in his thoughts. He must have noticed your gaze, because he took a deep breath, as if he was bracing for something.

“Why did you leave?” he asked quietly.

“What?”

Not that you didn’t know what he meant. You knew exactly what he was asking about, but you weren’t sure if you were ready to have that conversation.

“Why did you leave?” he repeated his question, still not looking in your direction. “...Back then.”

The sadness in his voice took you by surprise.

“Neil, I-” you hesitated, fighting the urge to laugh it all up and change the subject. But he deserved to know. “Look, you were so happy and so in love, you’d put all your time and energy into your new relationship and that was okay. I just wanted to give you a bit of space.”

His eyes darted at you as he scoffed in disbelief. “A bit of-...By completely _disappearing_? I thought that our friendship was stronger than that.”

That accusation hit you hard, so without thinking twice you blurted, “Hey, you didn’t call me either.”

The painful look in his eyes made you regret saying that almost instantly. _God, it hurt,_ and it’s been eating you alive all those years, but you just knew-

“That’s not fair.”

You pulled up your knees and wrapped your arms around them. He was right.

“I know, I’m sorry,” you said softly. “Look, from the bottom of my heart, I was genuinely happy for you both. Really. But-...” you sighed heavily. You felt light-headed, knowing what you were about to say. You desperately wanted to get it all out once and for all. Even if jumping from that cliff seemed like a more pleasant option at that moment. “...at the same time it did hurt like bitch,” you ended quietly. _There, you said it._

The silence was deafening.

You shot a quick glance at Neil. He was staring at you with his mouth open, his brows furrowed in confusion.

“Why-”

You looked into his blue eyes, hoping he would see the answer in yours.

“Please don’t make me say it,” you whispered, barely holding your emotions at bay.

Neil’s eyes widened as he gasped quietly in sudden realization. You could almost see him finally connecting all the dots in his mind. His expression was a mixture of shock and dread.

“Jesus, Y/N, but you never- why didn’t you say-”

Ah, that was the easiest question.

“Because I valued our friendship more than...” - you took in a shaky breath, fighting the tears welling up in your eyes - “...than _that_ and I didn’t wanna risk it.”

No, the irony of that whole mess wasn’t lost on you, but you were glad Neil decided not to point it out. His intense stare was unbearable though.

You stood up, unable to bring yourself to stay any longer, terrified of what you might hear next.

“I have to go, I’m in charge of the food today,” you muttered and turned away to walk back to the camp.

“Y/N-”

Your heart clenched painfully in your chest. You pinched the bridge of your nose and shook your head, not looking back. “Neil, please. It’s just- I can’t do this right now.”

The short walk to the camp gave you enough time to pull yourself together. _The policy is to suppress_ echoed in your mind and it helped you put the cap on your bottled emotions and to shove them back into the deepest corner of your heart. The rest of the crew was sitting around the campfire, listening to Seb’s story about his recent cinematic discoveries. You let him finish his rant before you joined them.

“Who’s hungry?” you asked, rubbing your hands together. Seeing your teammates’ enthusiastic reactions put a smile on your face. “Okay, I need more hands for this!”

As you were giving instructions to Ira and Elliot over the cool box, you noticed Neil coming out of the forest. You saw Wheeler walking up to him and asking something, but he just shook his head, patted her on the shoulder, grabbed a beer from a bucket and sat down near the campfire.

Two hours later, most of the food you’d prepared was gone. The group switched to drinking and singing along to Neil’s guitar. You included, the atmosphere of camaraderie grounding you in the moment. After covering few of the classics, Neil started taking the requests.

“Hey, how about Passenger and _Let her go_?” said Wheeler, smirking.

Neil’s lips pressed into a thin line as he glared at her. If looks could kill, she’d be dead right then. For a moment it seemed like they were having a short non-verbal argument, then Neil sighed, clearly defeated. He put on a brave face though and played the first few chords.

_What the hell was that about?_

The rest of the guys whooped and joined him singing the lyrics. As the song progressed, you could swear Neil’s face became sadder, and by the end of the song you could feel a lump in your throat. The tenderness in his voice when he sang the last lines took your breath away.

_//Only know you love her when you let her go_

_And you let her go//_

The image of Nikki flashed before your eyes and you got up to grab another beer.

“All right guys,” Neil laughed and downed his bottle, frowning slightly. “Speaking of- ...let me choose the next one.”

Of course you recognized that song. _Bloody_ _hell._ You remembered the first time you heard it, that winter afternoon, Neil and you snuggled under a blanket on his couch, watching the latest episode of your then-favourite TV show, and you slowly falling in love with the music, the lyrics… and your best friend in the whole world.

_//Tell her not to go_

_I ain't holding on no more_

_Tell her something in my mind freezes up from time to time//_

“You know that all this time I had no idea _you_ are that childhood friend that broke his heart?”

Your heart sank at those words. Wheeler was standing right next to you with her arms crossed, a smug expression on her face. Your jaw dropped and you looked over your shoulder at Neil. Nobody seemed to know that song, so he just kept singing alone, smiling sadly.

_//Tell her not to cry_

_I just got scared, that's all_

_Tell her I'll be by her side, all she has to do is call//_

Your mind went blank, not allowing you to fully grasp what you’d just heard. “Me neither,” you said under your breath.

Wheeler snickered at your shocked face. “Apparently.” She placed her hand on your shoulder, squeezing it lightly and went to her tent, leaving you standing there alone.

You turned around and noticed Neil looking at you, the fire flickering in his eyes.

_//Tell her not to go_

_I ain't holding on no more_

_Tell her nothing if not this: all I want to do is kiss her//_

You held your breath, your hands were shaking. The thought appeared on your mind, but you were too scared to take it seriously.

 _What if he_ _really_ _meant it?_

Why were you doing this to yourself? _Enough._ You left the camp and headed to the stream in the woods. You splashed the cold water on your face and sighed heavily.

“You have no idea how many times I wanted to call you.”

There he was, leaning against the tree, his hands in the pockets, his face tense and serious.

“One day I woke up and realized that you were gone. Days were passing by and it was getting more and more difficult.” Neil gritted his teeth in frustration as he looked away. “Goddammit, I thought you were mad at me, or hated me for some reason,” he exhaled slowly and fixed his gaze on you. “Or that you _didn’t_ _care_ anymore. I just tried to make some sense of it all. Believe it or not,” - he laughed bitterly- “I wanted to give you some space too.”

You wanted to laugh at that comeback, but a little sob escaped your mouth instead. The pain in his eyes was breaking your heart into a million little pieces. The tears were slowly getting mixed with the water on your face so you tried to wipe them with the back of your hand as you walked up to him.

“Neil, I’m sorry,” you said quietly and pulled him into a hug.

Neil wrapped his arms around you and buried his face in your hair, trembling lightly as he let out a shaky breath.

“The thought that I lost you for good was-” his voice broke before he could finish the sentence.

You pulled back so you could look at him. The tenderness of his expression made your heart skip a bit. Neil pressed his forehead into yours and closed his eyes.

“Jesus, I was so stupid. I’m so sorry,” he said softly.

You were lost for words, so you just shook your head lightly and placed a hand on his cheek, stroking it slowly with your thumb. Neil fixed his eyes on yours as he brushed a strand of hair away from your face.

“I’ve missed you so much,” he whispered and sighed, biting his lip.

You chuckled lightly and smiled. Your fingertips slowly traced down his jawline, your heart pounding in your chest. “I’ve missed you, too.”

Neil tilted his head as he pulled you closer. Then he kissed you like there was no tomorrow and nothing else mattered anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, okay, I KNOW, but I just had to include that particular song there. (Del Amitri - Tell Her This)
> 
> What can I say - I get heavily inspired by music, and Tell Her This was one of the main three tracks for this whole story.  
> Beside those three, every chapter has its own theme song (yeah, those weird titles).  
> I was thinking about putting a line or two of the lyrics at the end of the chapters in the notes, but I don't want to mess it up for you, in case you don't like them or something. 
> 
> I think we deserve a breather after this one, what do you think?
> 
> //UPDATE: I've written a one-shot which takes place between this chapter and the next one - you can find it under the name: stuck in stories - I'll be around.


	6. Next to me

You were dancing around the kitchen with the headphones on, swaying to your favourite tunes, banging pots quietly to the rhythm as you prepared the ingredients. It felt as if there was a ball of light in your chest, the energy was flowing smoothly, no anxious thoughts, even the nightmares became less frequent. _Life was good._

Suddenly, you felt a delicate touch on your waist and you yelped, putting your headphones on the counter.

“Good morning,” Neil murmured into your ear and gently kissed your neck.

You leaned back into his embrace.

“I’m sorry, was I too loud? I didn’t want to wake you up.”

“It’s okay,” he said and pecked your shoulder. “Something smells nice,” - Neil glanced at the small mess around you and his eyes lit up - “you’re making French toasts?”

You nodded and smiled. You knew how much he liked them. Usually you didn’t care about cooking proper meals, especially with so little downtime between missions. Every now and then Neil and you managed to scrape up enough free time to not have to worry about a ticking clock, and it was one of these days.

“Could you make us some coffee while I finish these, please?”

“Right on.”

You put the first batch of toasts on the pan and chopped up fruits and cheese. You looked at Neil and you could feel your heart melt a little. He was standing next to the coffee machine, wearing only a big navy hoodie, boxers and socks, his hair a complete mess as he was trying to stretch his arms and rub his eyes at the same time, yawning. He caught you staring at him and he squinted sleepily.

“What?”

“Nothing,” you giggled. “You look adorable.”

Neil raised his eyebrows and ran a hand through his hair.

“Is that so?”

“Aww, now you ruined it,” you pouted.

He chuckled and shook his head, smiling.

_God, you loved him so much._

* * *

It was pouring outside so you decided to spend some time in your apartment.

Neil sat down on the couch with a book, you cuddled next to him with a tablet. Every few minutes he snickered and read a couple of particularly amusing sentences out loud, making you laugh and, in the end, making you lose interest in whatever you were doing.

You tossed the tablet away and reached for a blanket.

“That’s it, now I need to hear the whole damn thing,” you said and covered both of you with it.

As Neil began reading, you rested your head on his knees. You could listen to his voice for hours. After a while, Neil’s fingers grazed your cheek and started playing with your hair. A happy sigh escaped your mouth and Neil smirked. That bastard knew you _too well._

Both of you jumped at the sound of an incoming message on Neil’s phone. _One day off, was it so much to ask for?_ Neil smacked his tongue as he read the text, wrote back a short reply and turned off the phone. His posture tensed and he pinched the bridge of the nose. When he finally looked at you, the playful lights were shining in his eyes. _Huh._

“I know we have a strict _no_ _shoptalk_ policy, love, but-” he hesitated.

You sat up. Neil was right, you decided not to talk about anything work related, even – or mostly – about the missions you went on separately. To be honest, you rarely worked together, you didn’t want to draw too much attention to your relationship, and both of you were more efficient when you didn’t have to worry about each other in the field. _Of course, Tenet’s policy about getting rid of the people who knew too much was quite important, too._

“...I’ve met TP.”

“No way!” you exclaimed, totally surprised. “He’s back?”

“No, not exactly… I had to introduce myself to him,” Neil chuckled.

You gasped and jumped at your seat. “Oh shit, that must have been so bizarre! How was it?”

“It was weird, he’s so clueless it’s almost endearing,” he said and shook his head. “I had to be really careful not to slip up.”

Your heart filled with dread at that thought. _“_ Oh God, Neil, what did you do?” you asked, trying to remain serious.

Neil’s eyes widened, the question clearly offended him.

“Why do you assume-”

“Because you are the worst at keeping secrets,” you said, trying to stifle a giggle so bad that you could feel tears in your eyes.

He scoffed and smacked your arm lightly, “Hey!”

You could tell that he was barely holding himself together.

Suddenly, Neil hid his face his palms, groaning, “Can you believe he said he prefers _soda water?_ ”

You started wheezing, unable to catch your breath, fighting a wave of laughter rising in your throat.

“You-, fucking hell, _I can’t_ \- did you order him a diet coke?”

He just nodded and sighed, making you finally laugh out loud.

“Of course you did, bless your heart,” you snickered.

Neil’s gaze told you that you were going to regret laughing so much later. You bit your lip and took a deep breath to calm yourself down.

“I’m sorry Neil, are you okay? I’m sure meeting him like that wasn’t easy, wanna talk about it?” you asked as you grabbed his hand and squeezed it, looking him in the eyes.

Neil placed a soft kiss on your forehead.

“It wasn’t, but it’s fine now,” he said and smiled lightly. “No more shoptalk,” - Neil leaned back the sofa and pulled you closer, making you lie down next to him, and reached for the book - “now where were we?”

You put your head on his chest, then Neil wrapped one arm around you and started reading again. You closed your eyes and exhaled slowly. Neil’s steady heartbeat, the warmth of his body, his soothing voice, a distant sound of rain against the windows... You smiled to yourself.

_Life was good, finally._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hah, finally some fluff, am I right? ;)


	7. In case you don't live forever

Neil was waiting for you near the turnstile.

 _No goodbyes_. That was another rule in your relationship. But with a huge operation ahead, both of you just needed to see each other one more time.

Neil took your hands and pulled them to his chest. “You listen to me, _agent…_.come back alive,” he said with a determined look in his eyes. His voice, muffled by the oxygen mask, was aiming for a light tone, but with a poor effect.

“Aye aye, _sir_ ,” you chuckled nervously and smiled.

It was just another mission, after all.

_...right?_

Neil squeezed your hands and exhaled slowly. “I mean it. Just be careful out there, please.”

“I’m always careful-”

He smacked his lips and pulled you into a hug. “Y/N, _please_.”

The blue team was almost done with inverting themselves, you knew he had to join them any minute now. You wrapped your arms around him tightly.

“I know, Neil, I promise,” you said softly. “Stay safe and find me as soon as can, okay?”

“Of course,” he sighed and pulled back, fixing his gaze on your face. His blue eyes were shining in the ship’s pale lights. “I got something for you, give me your hand.” He reached to his pocket.

_A piece of teal string with a small washer tied on the end._

A million thoughts ran through your head. You wanted-...no, you _needed_ to tell him how much that little gesture meant to you. How much happiness and light he brought into your life. How much you appreciated every minute you shared together. How much you loved him.

“Neil, I-...”

“Neil! You coming?”

“Just a second!” he yelled back to Wheeler. Neil cupped your face in his hands and gently pressed his forehead to yours. “All right?” he asked quietly.

“Yeah, I’ll see you in a few hours,” - you muttered and patted his shoulder - “...go.”

You clenched your fists as you watched him enter the inverter, trying to stop them from shaking.

* * *

It felt as if every nerve on your body was exposed, the adrenaline still rushing through your veins, the ruckus on the deck and the noise slowly becoming unbearable. _Where the hell is he?_

“Wheeler, where’s Neil?”

“I have no idea,” she said as she walked past you, forcing you to increase your pace.

“But he came back with you guys, right?”

 _Silence_.

“Wheeler-”

She shot you a worried look, but then sighed and shook her head. “Maybe Ives knows what happened, did you see him?”

The pit in your chest grew an inch. You saw Ives and The Protagonist enter the tunnel.

_And the tunnel collapsing after them._

Suddenly, an image of a soldier with a blue patch on their shoulder flashed before your eyes. They drew your attention because they certainly weren’t inverted.

You could hear your pulse pounding in your ears, so you inhaled slowly, trying not to spiral down.

Wheeler stopped and pointed towards the horizon. The last helicopter.

You wanted to run toward the LZ, but your legs felt as if they weighed a tonne. Wheeler grabbed you by the arm and both of you went to meet the final team approaching the ship.

* * *

You stood there watching the squad coming out of the helicopter, your fingers playing with the teal string wrapped around your wrist. Ives. _Of course_ _they_ _found a way out._ There was one more person behind him and your knees almost gave in at the sight of those dirty blonde hair.

“I’m telling you mate, this is a bad idea,” Ives huffed and tried to walk away, but Neil was blocking his way.

“I _have to_ -”

Ives nodded and slumped his shoulders, frowning as he punched Neil’s shoulder lightly. “I know, I know.” He looked around and noticed you standing there. “Wheeler, a word, eh?”

Wheeler scoffed and rolled her eyes, “I’m happy to see you too.”

“Yeah, yeah, sure. _Now.”_

Instead of watching them leave, you focused your gaze on Neil fighting with the straps on his backpack, his hands were shaking slightly. He looked at you and his eyes lit up, he tossed the backpack away and rushed in your direction. You opened your mouth to ask what had happened out there, but before you could say anything Neil took your face in his hands and kissed you, taking your breath away. He pulled you closer and buried his face in your hair, sighing quietly.

You gently stroked the back of his neck, the overwhelming relief from seeing him alive tainted by a sudden spike of fear.

_Something was wrong._

...But maybe you were just exhausted.

When Neil pulled back and pressed his forehead to yours, his eyes were shut, a sad smile lingering in the corner of his lips.

You put a hand on his cheek. “Hey, you okay?”

Neil gently nuzzled your palm and finally looked at you.

You gasped sharply at the brief flash of pain tainting his blue eyes.

He blinked twice and chuckled. “Everything’s fine,” - he placed a soft kiss on your cheek - “I’m just tired. And starving. And I need to take this goddamn thing off, meet me in the canteen in half an hour?”

You nodded. You were still worried, but this could wait.

You had all the time in the world, after all.

* * *

That night was so peaceful, at least compared to the last two weeks. Nobody was running around and barking out commands, no sound of the turnstiles clanking their gears, everyone was resting in their rooms, enjoying a bit of downtime after one of the toughest mission they'd ever seen. Only the engine was humming steadily, accompanied by the waves crashing against the ship’s sides.

You took a deep breath as you leaned against a barrier, enjoying the salty smell of the sea. Neil was standing next to you, looking at the waves, lost in his thoughts. You brushed his arm softly.

“Something’s bothering you.”

He tensed and winced at your words, but didn’t say anything.

“We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. Just...” - you sighed and pecked his shoulder - “...I’m here if you need me, okay?”

Neil wrapped his arm around your waist, resting his head on yours.

“Thank you.”

You closed your eyes and decided to just focus on a present moment. He was there with you and that was all that mattered.

As the time passed, you could feel Neil’s body relaxing slowly. After a while, you felt his hand on yours. You laced your fingers together and stayed like that for a few moments longer.

“What a night, huh?” you said as you looked at the sky.

He glanced at you and gave you a half-smile.

“Quite romantic, isn’t it?”

“Tell me about it, those stars are just _outrageous_ ,” you groaned and rolled your eyes, but the corners of your lips twitched.

“Oh, _so_ rude of them.”

“I know, how _dare_ they,” you scoffed and turned his way.

Neil was looking at you with those playful sparks in his eyes that always drove you crazy.

“You’re impossible,” he chuckled softly and brushed a stray of hair from your face. “I love you so much, you know that?”

You pulled his jacket’s lapels lightly and smirked, biting your lip. “Oh really?”

Neil smiled and leaned in, laying a soft kiss on your mouth, making you melt into his embrace.

“I love you, too,” you said under your breath, brushing his cheeks with your fingertips.

Neil giggled against your lips, making your heart race in your chest.

“You don’t say.”

“Shut up and kiss me, you idiot,” you whispered and he was more than happy to comply.

When he tilted his head and deepened the kiss, you clenched your hands on his jacket and let out a quiet moan. Without skipping a beat, Neil grabbed your waist, lifting you up and putting you down on a metal box standing next to you.

“Shit, it’s cold!” you yelped as you broke from the kiss, panting. “And _wet.”_

Neil squinted his eyes. “Oh _no_ , what are we gonna do now?”

You barely made it back to your tiny room.

Neil’s slow kisses down your neck. Your impatient fingers fighting with his belt. The cold air on your exposed skin. Your whole body easing into his touch. His mouth tracing your collarbone. Your trembling fingers running through his hair. The intoxicating smell of citrus and wood. His hands pining down your wrists. Your hips bucking up. His dark blue eyes full of yearning. Your heavy breath against his neck. His weight on top of you. Your legs wrapped around his waist. His desperate kisses. Your fingers clenched on the sheets. His sharp moan-

_...Bliss._

You were lying under the blanket, cuddled, enjoying each other’s closeness. Neil was stroking your back slowly, his other hand was playing with your hair.

“Neil?”

“Hm?”

“Have you ever thought about what you’re gonna do after this whole mess is over?” you asked, resting your head on his chest.

Neil hesitated for a moment. “Not really. You?”

“More and more lately,” you sighed, your fingers brushing against his.

Neil took your hand and placed a small kiss on your palm. “Tell me about it.”

“Well, considering it would mean going under the radar… Definitely I’d go somewhere _warm_.”

“Understandable,” he nodded. Over two weeks on the freezing sea and warmth is something you craved the most.

“I don’t know, all I can think about is...just driving, without a purpose or a destination. Taking in the views. Oh,” - you squeezed his hand lightly - “you remember that one summer we spent on Lesvos when we were nineteen?”

“Sure. Those winding roads through the mountains...That old little harbor with so many cats…”

You giggled at the memory of the absolute dread on Neil’s face when a cheeky black cat jumped on his knees when you were eating dinner. “Jesus, _so_ many cats, you’re right! ...So you know, just stopping by places like that, maybe finding hidden beaches and snorkeling for hours.” You yawned and nuzzled into his chest, sighing happily. “Maybe adopting a stray dog on the way...Oh, and you know what else? _P_ _asta_.”

He kissed the top of your head. “Of course, _lots_ of pasta.”

Your eyelids were getting heavier and heavier. “What do you think?”

“It sounds amazing,” said Neil in a husky voice.

“We should totally do it, you know,” you mumbled, your mind slowly drifting off.

He let out a sharp chuckle and wrapped his arms around you tightly.

* * *

Neil sat down at the edge of the bed and covered his face with his palms. He sighed shakily and looked at you, lying next to him, deep in your sleep. He smiled at the sight of a teal string on your wrist.

_It was time._

You couldn’t see him looking at you one last time. You couldn’t hear him putting down his backpack. You couldn’t feel his gentle kiss on your cheek. You couldn’t smell the fading scent of his cologne.

You couldn’t taste the tear dropped on your lips.


	8. Never let me go

“...Neil?”

You sat up on the bed, rubbing your eyes. Yawning, you looked around the room. You noticed his things were gone.

_Why would he-…_

The sudden anxiety spike wiped all the remaining sleepiness from your brain. You quickly put on your clothes, grabbed your phone and went outside.

You tried Neil’s number, looking at the sun rising over the horizon. No response.

_Maybe he put it on silent. Maybe he was in the canteen._

You almost slipped on the wet stairs.

He wasn’t there.

Instead, you found Ives and Wheeler. He was leaning against the wall with a mug in his hand, she was sitting at the table, clenching her cup of coffee so hard that her knuckles were white.

“Hey guys, where’s Neil?”

They didn’t even look at you.

“... _hello_ , have you seen-”

Wheeler’s face went pale, she looked as if she was about to pass out. Her eyes darted at Ives.

“I can’t-”

“Y/N, sit down,” he sighed, pointing at a chair in front of Wheeler.

A cold shiver ran down your spine. You crossed your arms and inhaled slowly. _Th_ _at_ _was not happening._

“Just tell me.”

“Neil went back.”

You blinked twice and furrowed your brows. It didn’t make any sense.

“…he _what_?”

Ives put down his mug and gazed at you. “Neil went back to Stalsk,” he said slowly.

“But-”

“Look," - Ives groaned in frustration - "there was a fucking lock down there, he went back to open it for us.”

Your heart sank in your chest.

_The pain in Neil’s eyes when he came back._

You dug your fingers into your arms, trying to stop your mind from racing. “Okay, but he should have gone back with yesterday’s squads anyway-”

“Y/N, he stayed there.”

 _Neil’s face when he was watching the waves_.

You were fighting for every breath. You looked at Wheeler, but she was just sitting there with her face hidden in her palms.

“What do you mean he-”

Ives shook his head. “He didn’t make it.”

You gasped at the sudden realization. Your eyes widened, the pulse was pounding in your ears.

 _Neil’s sharp chuckle when you talked about your possible future_ _together_ _after quitting the organization._

The pit in your chest was slowly being filled with rising anger. You pinched the bridge of your nose and closed your eyes.

“...No.”

You felt a touch on your shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” said Ives quietly.

You brushed off his hand. “No,” you repeated through gritted teeth. “Tell me what happened.”

Ives glared at you, taken aback by your reaction.

“He got shot.”

You exhaled slowly, locking away a rising panic and all unnecessary emotions. You left out the anger, though.

“So?” - you shrugged - “You sent a medic team for him, right?”

Ives frowned and looked away. “There was no point,” he sighed.

“The fuck do you mean-...” you huffed in disbelief. “It’s not a fucking movie, Ives, it doesn’t mean-” you hesitated as you noticed Ives and Wheeler exchanging looks. “Wheeler?” - your eyes narrowed - “Say something, damn it!”

_Silence._

“Fuck you both. I’m going there,” you scoffed as you slowly backed away.

“You’re not going anywhere-” Ives raised his voice, but you were already on your way out.

“Watch me.”

“Goddammit, Y/N, he got shot in the fucking head!”

You stopped and clenched your fists.

“...so?”

“Are you _fucking_ serious-”

“No, are _you_ fucking serious,” - you snapped and turned around, pointing your finger at Ives - “you just wanna give up on him without even trying-...”

Ives looked like he was about to punch you. “What does Neil always say?” he yelled. “What’s happend’s happened! Do you even realize I should have shot him right after the mission?! And Priya-...”

But you stormed out of the canteen and couldn’t hear him anymore.

* * *

You rolled out the maps of Stalsk-12 and the Hypocenter. With your hands gripped on the edge of the table, you let out a shaky breath. You didn’t know how much longer you could keep yourself together, but for now, you were riding on adrenaline rush, slowly slipping into your mission mode.

Someone entered the room. You looked over the shoulder and saw Wheeler walking up to you.

She glanced over the maps and nodded slowly.

“Listen, I can’t just-” you began, but the words got stuck in your throat. Your mind went blank as a result of your brain’s desperate attempts to prevent you from breaking down.

Wheeler looked you in the eyes and a faint smile appeared on her face. “I know. You can’t go in there alone. I’m coming with you.”

A wave of relief almost swept you from your feet.

“But Ives-”

“Oh you know him, he fumed something about some cowboy shit and both of you being _bloody perfect_ for each other,” Wheeler chuckled lightly. “He went to wake up few guys from the trauma team. Now come on,” - she patted you on the arm - “let’s crack this out.”

* * *

The team’s footsteps clanked against the metal crate on the floor. You tightened your hold on the rifle as you peaked around the corner, but the corridor looked clear. _How did they overlook that entrance in the first place?_

You rushed to take cover behind a collapsed wall, Wheeler and two medics ducking right behind you. Then you just had to wait.

You couldn’t understand Ives and The Protagonist yelling on the balcony below you. A gunshot echoed through the corridor, followed closely by the second one.

The thing about being inverted was that you rarely paid attention to the chain of events going both ways simultaneously, you had to focus on your own mission. You couldn’t overthink it, you had to _feel_ it to be as effective on the field as possible.

After the third gunshot rang in your ears, you heard the sound of a body hitting the floor.

You winced and bit your lip to stifle any sound that would escape your mouth. _You knew what that order meant._ It took all your willpower to stay in your place instead of running down those bloody stairs to put a bullet through Volkov’s head. You wrapped your fingers around the teal string on your wrist. _Breathe._

Every second felt like an eternity. You could see Wheeler’s hands shaking slightly on her weapon.

Another body hit the floor, then you heard the fourth gunshot. _Just a little while longer._ You watched Volkov going backwards up the stairs and down the corridor. You gritted your teeth, your body tensed and you were ready to move the second he vanished around the corner.

You jumped at your feet and sprinted to the metal staircase.

_There he was._

You fell on your knees right next to Neil and tossed your rifle to the side. You fixed your eyes on his face, covered in blood underneath the mask.

“Neil?” you grabbed his hand and pulled it to your chest, squeezing his fingers.

 _Go_ _d,_ _no, no,_ _no, don’t do this to me._

“Neil, sweetie, can you hear me?” your voice was strained as you held your breath, stroking his palm with your thumbs. “We’re getting you out of here, all right?”

The whole world was collapsing on your head, you could barely hear your teammates barking commands at each other. “Please, _please_ , love, don’t-”

Neil gasped quietly and looked at you, his eyes widened in shock and terror.

_The fight wasn’t over yet._

You moved away to make room for the medics, not letting go of Neil’s hand.

* * *

The flight back to the base was excruciatingly long. The trauma team stabilized Neil the best as they could on the way there, but he had to get on the operating table as soon as possible. He was slipping in and out of consciousness, despite your best efforts to keep him awake. When the helicopter touched down on the hospital ship, the medical staff was already waiting for you at the LZ. You didn’t leave Neil’s side all the way to the surgery wing, where you got ushered away by the nurses.

You watched as the door closed behind him.

You leaned against the cold wall and your legs just gave in. All the emotions, bottled up long enough for you to survive that whole mission, got released at once. You sat down on the floor and hid your face in your palms, gasping frantically for air, your chest painfully clenched, your whole body shaking from violent sobs.

_...Please, please, love, don’t leave me._

* * *

“ _..._ You look like shit.”

“Thanks, I feel like one,” you scoffed as you closed the door behind you, glaring at Ives.

He shot you a concerned look. “Mate, seriously, have you eaten anything since you got back? Don’t make me send Seb over here to feed you with a spoon, eh?” the corner of his lips quirked into a smile.

You mused at that idea for a moment and shook your head. “I’m fine, don’t worry about me.”

Ives sighed and pointed at the door.

“How is he?”

“The doctors said he got lucky, the bullet missed the vital parts of the brain, but for now it’s hard to say how big the damage is. The next few days are going to be critical, we have to wait to see if-...” you choked on the last word, your eyes welled up slowly.

“Hey, hey, hey, no, come here,” Ives reached out his arm pulled you into a hug. “No _ifs_ , you hear me?”

You let out a shaky breath as you pressed your forehead to his shoulder.

“I’m sorry.”

“No, Y/N, I’m a fucking idiot, I’m sorry.”

You pulled back and squeezed his arm, smiling sadly. You looked in his eyes. There were no more words needed, both of you just nodded.

As you reached for the knob, you hesitated.

“Ives, I quit.”

He scoffed, “Don’t say it too loud or I’ll be forced to throw you overboard, ey?”

You rolled your eyes and you went back to Neil’s room.

* * *

You didn’t know how much time had passed. All days blended into one, filled with the steady beeping of various machines, the nauseating smell of disinfectants, frequent medical check-ups, and the agonizing waiting. Wheeler popped in few times to make sure you were holding in there, but even though you were glad to see a friendly face, sometimes you caught her staring at you with a silent question in her eyes, the same question you saw in the eyes of every person who came into that room.

_Was it worth it?_

No one dared to ask it aloud, though.

Because of that question, you preferred the moments you were left alone, sitting at the bedside.

You waited.

You thought it would get easier once they unplugged the respirator, because that meant Neil was well enough to breathe on his own, but it didn’t get any easier, not really. It was still hard to say how long it would take him to regain consciousness.

So you held his hand and you waited.

You couldn’t rest, every time you closed your eyes you were haunted by the image of Neil’s face covered in blood, by the panic in his eyes. At some nights, when the pain and loneliness became unbearable, you curled next to him on the hospital bed, trying to find a bit of comfort in being close to him, in feeling his warmth. In Neil’s heartbeat, reminding you that he was still there with you, as you cried yourself to sleep.

At other nights, you just leaned from your chair and rested your cheek on his palm as your mind drifted off into a nightmare filled abyss

One night, you felt a soft touch on your forehead.

 _That was just a dream._ And if it was, you didn’t want to wake up. You squinted your eyes, swallowing a tear with every gentle stroke on your hair.

“Hey you,” Neil’s voice was hoarse and quiet.

You looked at his face and a sob escaped your mouth.

Neil’s blue eyes were fixed on you, his lips curled into a half-smile.

“What did I miss?”

* * *

“...and two frappés, please. Thank you,” - you smiled, handing your menu back to the waiter.

“It never gets old, doesn’t it?”

You leaned back and giggled. Neil was staring at you with those playful sparks in his eyes again, a big grin brightening his tanned face,

“Nope,” you smacked your lips and smirked. You took a deep breath, closing your eyes for a moment. The scent of a nearby paperflower bush was mixing with salty wind blowing from the sea.

You looked at the dark clouds on the horizon.

“How much time do you think we have before it starts raining?”

Neil’s eyes followed your gaze. “I think-...” he hesitated. His shoulders tensed, a hint of frustration tainted his face. You took his hand and laced your fingers together. He sighed and relaxed, shooting you a thankful look. “….optimistically I’d say four to five hours.”

You nodded slowly and smiled. “Maybe we could stop by the beach before we find a place for tonight then?”

Neil pulled your hand closer and placed a small kiss on your fingers.

“I think we should.”

You looked over your shoulder at the waiter coming back to your table with two big plates of pasta.

You chuckled.

_Life was good._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There it is, folks.  
> What a wild ride.  
> Thank you for staying with me until the end, for every kind word and all the support you showed me along the way.  
> I am not done writing about these two, so keep an eye out for a series of one shots, scattered throughout this story.  
> ____  
> UPDATE: Hey you, there are now a bunch of fill-in stories written as one-shots about these two (including but not limited to: what happened the morning after ch5, their first real date and also few snippets about their adventures before the events of ch1). You can find them all filed as parts of "stuck in stories - stuck in reverse one-shot collection"! Enjoy and let me know what you think.


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